I Want To Hate You
by nerwende90
Summary: “I want to hate you because that would be easier”… Post No Rest For The Wicked Sam goes to visit Dean ONESHOT No Slash, No Wincest!


**Title:** I Want To Hate You

**Author:** nerwende

**Summary:** "I want to hate you because that would be easier"… Post No Rest For The Wicked Sam goes to visit Dean ONESHOT No Slash, No Wincest!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, just the idea.

**Author's note:** Sammy's own kind of hell. The idea sort of came to me like that. Hope you'll like it and review!

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"I want to hate you."

Sam Winchester was standing on his brother's grave, fighting the memories that kept haunting him ever since the one person he loved and cared about died.

"I want to hate you for dragging me out of Stanford. Deep down I always thought that if I hadn't followed you that day, Jessica would still be alive. I know it's crazy, but I can't help thinking it's your fault she died.

"I want to hate you for all the times I had to shut up and follow you blindly. I admit that you were right most of the time, but I hated it when you were so bossy on me.

"I also hated it when you wouldn't talk to me and I had to push it, which only led to you yelling at met at heading for the first bar you could find"

Sam paused in his rant. He wasn't sure if it really could do him any good, talking to a tombstone.

But he had passed the last weeks bottling up his feelings. He was so tired of it. He needed to let it all out.

"I hated your music. Man, there were times when I wanted to burn down all of your tape. It was driving me nuts.

"But what I hated the most? Was the fact that you thought your life meant less than mine"

Tears started to run down his cheeks. He didn't even try to wipe them away. "'What's dead should stay dead', huh? Then why didn't you let me go? Where you that scared to be alone? Dean, how could you do this? Did you think I would get over your death so easily?"

A sob escaped his lips as rain started to pour. Sam looked up at the grey sky as water mixed with his tears. He felt so alone and empty.

"Every night I have nightmares about that day. Every night I see you being torn up by invisible dogs. How am I supposed to live with that?! How do I go on?!

"I want to hate you Dean! I want to hate you for leaving me alone like you did! I want to hate you for promising you'll always be there then just go and sell your soul for me! Don't you get it?! I need you! I need you there with me! I need to know I'm not alone!"

At that point his legs refused to support him any longer and he fell on his knees. He sat back on the ground, trying to remember how to breathe.

"I want to hate you" he whispered through his strangled sobs "But I can't. I can't hate you when I know you're in hell because of me. I tried, Dean, I tried so hard to save you but I couldn't. And for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"

He stayed there for a while, sobbing like a small child while kept on pouring. He was soaking wet and shivering but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore.

"I want to hate you because that would be easier. Cause hey, it would be so easy if I didn't systematically book a room with two beds. Or if I didn't wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night expecting you to ask if I'm okay. Or if I didn't start to cry everytime I hear a Metallica song. Or if I could not think of you for a minute.

"Then yeah, it would be easier. That's why I want to hate you with every bit of my soul. But the truth is…"

He finally stood up, quickly wiping his face only to remember it was useless with the pouring rain "The truth is I love you. And I need you so much… I'll never forgive you for leaving me like that. I just… I just want you to come back. I don't want to live without you anymore.

"When Lillith tried to kill me… I wish she'd succeeded. I wish I was dead too"

With a sigh, Sam buried his hands in his pockets and started to walk away from the grave. He couldn't hear his brother's soft response as his tortured soul was forced to watch his baby brother's own kind of hell.

"I'm so sorry Sammy…"

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_Another sad story to add to my list!_

_I hope you liked it!_

_And if you're in a generous mood, please feel free to review!_

_Thank you all for reading_

_nerwende_


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